Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
I think we should start referring to bisexuals as "strays"
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
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