Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
Randomize