Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
Randomize
