you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
Randomize
