my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
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