My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
