Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
i already hear my dad disowning me
So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
