in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
Blood and glitter go together right?
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Randomize
