update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
