I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
Randomize
