I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
Randomize
