It's like a parade of train wrecks.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
Randomize
