My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
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