I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Randomize
