i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
She stumbled into class and Google image searched nipple piercings for the entire 75 minutes
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Randomize
