Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Randomize
