No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Randomize
