I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
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