My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
Randomize