I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
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