They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
Randomize
