At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize
