I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
On a scale of one to 10 how Risky is it to sleep with a married man (all morals set aside)
Randomize
