You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize