theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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