I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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