I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
Randomize
