If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
If a girl drunk dials you she's at least entertained the idea of sleeping w/ you correct?
YES
I am in a vortex of obligation.
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
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