On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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