WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
Randomize
