I'm sorry my penis didn't work
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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