He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
it was like eating out sand paper
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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