The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
Come see our sink grown plant.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Randomize