shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
Randomize
