don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
Three Architectural classes: $990.00 Architectural supplies: $300.00 Changing majors and using my architectural supplies to roll blunts: Priceless
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
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