you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
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