I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
The streets are paved with hand jobs
Randomize
