He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
Randomize
