On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
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