I didn't shave. On purpose
he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
Randomize
