You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Randomize
