the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
