just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
i've created a new STD.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
In other news, I just burned my penis
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
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