I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
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