i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
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