you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
Randomize
