I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
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