i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
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