After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
Who put my cat in the fridge?
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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