i need an iv and a liver transplant
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Randomize
