Where did you get a picture of my penis
It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
