take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
Randomize
