What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
Randomize
