btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
Randomize
