The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
I didn't realize how trashy of a night we had.
Welllll, you did eat a cherry out of my pussy. So I think that classes it up a little.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Randomize
