It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
Randomize
