Hahahaha do you think bella ever gave edward head?
Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
We'll see haha. The cum didn't work...I just chewed the whole thing in a day.
I hope you meant gum...
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
Randomize
