I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
i ditched last period to have sex with him. i had to change into my skank clothes in the church parking lot. little kids were on the swings.
nothing about this is right.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
Randomize
