for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
Randomize
