When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Randomize
