Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
And secondly i just said i'd pay ten dollars to have sex with you
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
this must be what syphilis tastes like
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
