Luol and I just scored with two 40 year old married chicks. They dropped us off on the way to soccer prctic. The kids in the back were confused. Call me.
I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
