Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
