I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Randomize
