Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
Randomize
