i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
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