Your face is a jimmy john
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
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