i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
There is no way he is gay with that hair.
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Randomize