My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
I don't deserve a penis
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
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