Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
Yep and i guess after he came back from that he sat down next to me and i just put my hand right on his penis just casually like it was his leg
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Randomize
