I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
Randomize
