If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Randomize
