if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
Randomize
