Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
Randomize
