Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
what day is it and did you see me today?
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Randomize
