HIV tests are more positive than that guy
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
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