I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
