first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
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