There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
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