Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
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