There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
Please don't give away my fajitas
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Randomize
